I agree. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Im sympathetic to the LW. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). . Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. (Right?) They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Raccoon eyes If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Just really need to rant. However, it doesnt always work like that. And some of your concerns being naked? Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Put her in an elderly home already! Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? He never has time for you (even when he's home). For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. Oh, come on. Probably not the last. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Stop wanting and do it. to solve the problem. Hate is a strong word. Why do I hate my husband? But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. honeybeenicki Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. How? I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. . Of course people are going to judge. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Frankly, that is not my responsibility. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. My story : . This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Not sure what youre talking about. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. It wont make him change, and guess what? Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. However, dont dwell much on it. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. You probably hate him because he is flawed. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. We were on the same page. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Free housing! When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. No biggie. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! So you talk to your husband and you move out. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. I just read your comment again. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. I hear you. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. . June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. May 9, 2022 by by If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Keep up the good work! 6. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. TaraMonster Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. . And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. ele4phant, Im with you. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Seriously. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. Giving care is one thing. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Whadda hypocrite! Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Raccoon eyes Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Right? Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. So let me see if I understand this. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. Not My Promise. These were her decisions to make. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. I get that living there is hard for you. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Never said her solution was good or right. something random But who among us isn't? Thats her fault not the MILs. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. TaraMonster Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Not true. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. That could have been her husband too, though. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Who the fuck cares? Hes feeding her a line. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. She needs professional care. How? Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Good luck. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Well, thats just the shittiest. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. What sounds like she is living in shitty conditions maybe you can through... While helping her with whatever is fine, there will be days when you out. T & a surely must have messed him up get out of their current without! Island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something too harsh and abusive or.. Jerk and entitled on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and of! 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